Empty Bottles, Broken Hearts

Awesome.

2006-06-26T22:06:11Z

Me and my dudes. Real update and layout revamp soon to follow. I think I'm gonna start using this thing on a regular basis again.

Stop.

2006-05-17T07:00:36Z

ARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

That is all.

L.A.M.F.

2006-05-12T06:52:09Z

Too much junkie business.

PS. F U

PSS. Also...I'm drunk.

PSSS. Also....I need some.

PSSSS. Up the punx hahahahaha

Baby talk is talk.

Little London boys.

Johnny Thunders. Yep.

And the HeartBREAKERS.

Love,
Jess

I spend so much of my life convincing myself that everything is okay.

2006-04-26T05:43:10Z

Sometimes I feel like I want to throw up and then die and I'm not QUITE sure why.

Yup.

2006-04-24T07:18:20Z

My phone rang this morning while I was asleep at Brian's. I jerked out of my sleep really fast when it went off, and smacked my face full force against the wall. I think I broke my nose. Okay, not really but it's achey. Maybe it's really broken though and I can use that as an excuse to get it trimmed a little haha!

I'm surprised my body didn't completely shut down after the ridiculous cocktail of substances I put in it on Thursday night. It was fun, but I think I need to stay in more often. I'm into keeping house lately, being a little housewifey.

I've become friends with this dude I used to have a huge crush on when I was like fourteen, but I was so painfully shy I could like barely talk to him. And the funny thing is, he's so totally shy! I'm trying to hook him up with this chick I know and he's clueless! Funnyfunnyfunny. When you're fourteen you build these guys you have crushes on to these gigantic proportions and meanwhile they're pretty dorky, just like you.

There are a lot of shitty people in the world. I don't even get why some people do and say the things they do. It just doesn't seem like there's any reason for it. It seems like life has a way of catching up with them though. Karma. Sometimes I love it.

My apartment smells like cigarettes hardcore because Brian and Phantom were here. (Not that I wasn't involved in that too). I overheard an interesting conversation today. It made me feel good because of what it meant in terms of things he's said, and sort of worried because of things he's done in the past. I dunno. Same deal as always haha. I wish he was here to snuggle up with me now that I'm tired and I want to go to bed. I guess Binx will have to do in his place.

Love,
Jess

killbabykill @ 2006-04-18T00:31:00

2006-04-18T04:32:48Z

I'm not quite sure how this week could get any worse, but I sure as hell hope it doesn't. Ugh.

WTF???

2006-04-12T07:29:11Z

You can buy me to put on your cellphone!? On freaking JAMSTER, the most annoying thing ever???

http://www.jamster.com/jcw/search/searchContentDetails.do?componentTypes=3&keywords=suicide%20girls&title=&interpret=&exactSearch=false&group=&display=standard&usage=user&oc=1&keywords=suicide%20girls&title=&interpret=&exactSearch=false&group=&display=standard&usage=user&oc=1

And apparently it's also on Verizon and Sprint...

And why am I not getting paid for this????

Ack!

OMG

2006-04-10T05:37:51Z

I'm happy.

Seriously.

Write this down, because since when does this happen?

I'm at a point in my life where I feel pretty much chill with my love life, my friends, my artistic ability, where my life is going.

I dig it.

I mean, I wouldn't mind having a bit more money....But who doesn't wish that?

Love,
Jess

Panda bitch.

2006-04-03T05:59:40Z

I've been in a shitty ass mood this weekend.

This makes me chuckle though.

I've been getting a bunch of design work lately. Who knew modeling on a girlie site could get you so much work? A bunch of it is unpaid stuff for fellow girls and members, but it's good nonetheless because I need to start building a portfolio. The real world is fast approaching.

Love,
Jess

Grillz

2006-03-30T06:52:17Z

Me without makeup. OMGZ!!!1

Seriously, is that not the funniest picture? Look at the dude in the background!

Love,
Jess

I love my family.

2006-03-29T03:05:40Z

My mom sent me this in an email today:

"I've also been approached by a representative from a reputable NYC publisher to see if I'd be interested in writing a librarian's book or college textbook. I've told them I'm way too busy now but maybe someday....."

I'm so proud of her! That's my mommy!

Love,
Jess

PS. I'm sick. It sucks.

Blerghhh.

2006-03-22T05:58:58Z

Tattoos! I miss you. I need you. I love you! I don't know if I can keep myself away from you much longer.

Shady people! You are fucking shady as hellllll. Stop lying to people about me. Karma will get you. Oh wait, it already did.

I get to watch my little man, Rex, this week. He's going to drive me nuts, I'm sure, but he is oh so cute.

I really don't have much to say so why am I updating? I do not know.

Over and out.

Love,
Jess

One.

2006-03-18T18:13:39Z

Congratulate me on the one year anniversary of me coming home from London.

Congratulate me for not sticking a fucking gun in my mouth, as hard as the past year has been.

Maybe it's getting better though. Maybe.

Oh, and Congratulate Tyler Samstag as well for killing 872 cops. Hahaha.

AND, you know what I hate? Fucking 20-something year old people who are soooo punk! Ugh! Grow. Up. Attempting to burn a couch at your friends' house, ashing all over their tables instead of in an ashtray, and stealing their booze is neither cool or so fuckin' punk, man! And not to mention dressing like a complete moron... The whole super-streetpunk thing should pretty much end with high school. But apparently for a lot of people it doesn't.

Love,
Jess

Ulcers.

2006-03-17T02:49:39Z

I hate living by myself.

Argh

2006-03-14T05:28:08Z

Ahhahaa

It's so confusing its not even funny.

♥

2006-03-13T06:30:50Z

Yesterday was a good day.

I had been upset that Brian was going to go to the movies with some friends instead of Tyler's birthday party with me. He surprised me by showing up at my work and taking me to the party. I think I shit my pants when I saw him there! It really meant sososo much to me that he did that. Jamison was there, which I thought was going to be super awkward, but it was actually fine. Brian has hated Jamison since before we were together, but they actually got to talking at the party and--gasp!--got along! It was so bizarre to see them talking but so good. At the end of the night Brian said to me, "I don't think I'm gonna feel weird about you hanging out with Jamison anymore."

But the night wasn't all good. I had no food or drink in my apartment so all I had to eat yesterday was an order of McDonald's fries and some water. Then I drank. Not a good idea. I got fucking trashed so quickly. When I got home I kept dry heaving in the bathroom because there was so little to puke up. I finally did throw up though. A little bit of french fries and a lot of blood speckled stomach bile. It hurt so much. But luckily Brian was there to sit with me and hold my hair.

Annnnd he spent the whole day with me today and we went grocery shopping together and watched ridiculous shows about UFOs and had some sweet, sweeeet lovin'.

Yay.

I am thinking I might want to move to LA someday, at least for a little while? Maybe. It's a thought.

Seven things I want to do before I die:

1) Stop being such a procrastinator!
2) Be the best little rock n roll wifey ever.
3) Stop drinking so much.
4) Find my style, artistically.
5) Own loads of L.A.M.B.
6) Be financially secure.
7) Lots and lots o' tattoos. I miss them.

Seven things I can not do:

1) Wink with my right eye.
2) Organize.
3) Give up on this one boy I know.
4) Hide my emotions.
5) Math!!!!!
6) Motivate myself to exercise.
7) Have just one drink.

Seven things that attract me to the USA:
1) I was born here.
2) My family is here.
3) My friends are here.
4) My love is here.
5) Quality TV programming.
6) Pierogies.

Seven things I say most often:
1) Shit, son!
2) Hahaha
3) Oh really?
4) Sike
5) Oh my God!
6) Sweet.
7) Huh?

Seven books (or series) that I love:
1) Survivor.
2) American Skin.
3) American Psycho.
4) Dangerous Angels (The Weetzie Bat series)
5) She's Come Undone.
6) Shampoo Planet.
7) Please Kill Me.

Seven movies I watch over and over again

1) Anchorman.
2) Amelie.
3) 40 Year Old Virgin.
4) The Hillz!
5) Evil Dead.
6) Love Actually.
7) Almost Famous.

Love,
Jess

Ehh.

2006-03-11T07:31:22Z

I'm pretty pissed right now. I'll get over it though. But yes...I am pissed.

And also broke. Boo.

Love,
Jess

Youknowyouwantmesonnnnn

2006-03-10T08:32:08Z

Totally went to 80s night.

Toally found gay dudes that I met before.

Totally fag hagged it.

Totally didn't care.

Totally love those dudes.

Totally wish boyfriend was here right now to totally eff me.

Ahh shit son.

Love,
Jess

PS. 80s night! Gay dudes! Hair bands! Too much alcohol!

It's painful but its worth it.

2006-03-07T06:52:17Z

I'm in a good mood.

I'm going to go crawl in bed with Wanker McWankerson.

We are planning a crazy roadtrip for this summer. West coast here we come. Hopefully it really happens!

Goodnight.

Love,
Jess

So hard to let go but I'm coming 'round.

2006-03-06T06:37:40Z

I dont know I dont knowidontknowidontknow! This is odd. It's good for the first time in a long time and yet for some reason that makes me sad because it's made me realize just how bad it was before. And should I stay after all that and is it only a matter of time before a relapse? Shit goddamn. My head and my heart are both telling me to stay. But they haven't always led me in the right direction before.

Who am I kidding? WHO THE FUCK AM I KIDDING?

Am I much better? Definitely better, but probably not by THAT much. WHO. AM. I. KIDDING? I don't know if I am capable of leaving now. I don't REALLY want to. Before, back before Christmas break, I was fucking ready. It was last straw time. I was beyond the breaking point. And then he came with this being super committed shit and actually went above and beyond what I expected. (Which at that point really wasn't all that much)

There's just so much stuff I don't GET though and I feel like I need to be able to get it so I can stop dwelling on it.

In other news, get this computer away from me. It's ruining my brain and sucking my soul away.

My hair requires mass amounts of bleach right now. I'm not feeling this "natural" blonde nonsense.

I am a doll:

A lot of the time I feel so much more little girl like than most people I know who are my age. I think I just have a really different view on life and a really different emotional set up. I don't feel like elaborating right now but I felt the need to get that out.

I need a cocktail.

This sounds exactly like the past ten entries. I need to find something else to write about. I need a hobby.

Goodnight.

Love,
Jess

killbabykill @ 2006-03-03T16:26:00

2006-03-03T21:31:41Z

I just found out how much the coat of my dreams, the only thing I REALLY liked from the spring L.A.M.B collection, is. It's $865. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now.

Love,
Jess

Sylvia Plath

2006-03-03T05:52:45Z

I wish I had a Sylvia Plath
Busted tooth and a smile
And cigarette ashes in her drink
The kind that goes out and then sleeps for a week
The kind that goes out on her
To give me a reason, for well, I dunno

And maybe she'd take me to France
Or maybe to Spain and she'd ask me to dance
In a mansion on the top of a hill
She'd ash on the carpets
And slip me a pill
Then she'd get pretty loaded on gin
And maybe she'd give me a bath
How I wish I had a Sylvia Plath

I've been reading Sylvia Plath's journals. Her intelligence is out of control. I read her journals from when she was my age, and then I read mine. Kind of embarassing. I feel superficial. I guess I am a little bit. But...whatever, I am what I am. not everyone can be a literary genius.

Living alone is bad. I have no one to keep me company so I end up spending way too much time online and it's kind of depressing. I need to start doing more constructive things with my time. The computer is rotting my brain.

After much consideration I've come to the conclusion that things will be okay. I'm keeping my guard up a little, yes. But actions speak louder than words. And right now, for the first time in a long time, the actions and the words are matching up. I like it. Indentured servant. A slave to a slave. Thank God for my hopeful heart and for mutual feeeeliiinnngsss. Look how it's balanced now, maybe we'll just settle down for the rest of liiiIIIiiives. Name that tune.

My Dad and I are going to see this local band called the Legendary Hucklebucks at the 31st Street Pub because we are rockasilly. Haha. I love my family.

Love,
Jess

Agony in her body.

2006-02-28T06:54:05Z

Too many hares only one tortoise
Thats why I left the city, too fast paced for this ho-hum tourist
By the time I developed the pictures
They're as blurry as my memory of constant life fixtures
If distance is a girl's best friend
Tell them bitches in the rough who think that love comes with diamonds.

Reading journal entries from a year ago and on...man...

That era and its emotions have forged a fucking deep and everlasting bond between me and Sage Francis's A Healthy Distrust. I fucking LOVE that album and I can't even tell you how much.

Anyway. Again onto what I was writing about a few entries before...

It was weird--unsettling and comforting at the same time-- to hear Brian's fuckups confirmed by someone in the know but not directly involved. "It's a good thing though [that we're still together and talking about shacking up and all that], you should hear the way he talks about you." But the line between fate and getting fucked is so blurry. I'm not saying that I don't think that things can be mended (though I do have my moments of doubt) it just seems a little rushed or something. That's my thought anyway.

I really feel like I need to talk about the whole past year with him again, but I don't know how into that he'd be right now. I've pretty much made peace with his mistakes but I still need some things clarified. I'm not into truthiness. Or...am I dredging up the past that just needs to be left alone so that we can move forward? I mean, there's a TOTAL difference in the way he acts and talks now and it's clear that he's trying to move forward.

????

There ain't no magic in the breakdown babayyyy....Oh Sage...

I was gonna go to bed like an hour ago.

Love,
Jess

killbabykill @ 2006-02-25T13:10:00

2006-02-25T18:10:41Z

Ohhh snap.

I should never be given a telephone or computer when I've had alcohol.

Oh so up and down.

2006-02-20T17:45:17Z

I never really update this thing anymore. I'm sure you really miss me. Ha.

I'm sick of the cold.

I'm sick of being so anxious that I feel like my stomach is in knots all the time. I worry a lot about certain things; I guess it's just my nature. And, if you've ever read my journal before, I'm sure you can surmise what it is that I worry about most.

He said he wants to move in with me as soon as he gets his finances sorted out, which he thinks will be in about a month or so. He talks about it as "the next step forward" in our relationship, moving towards the big commitment. He's even discussed that very thing with me before--nothing official or binding, but it was put out there. This should make me happy, and it does. It's a sign that he wants to move forward and have a future together. But I still have these deep seeded worries. Not that much time has passed since all his bullshit, and it makes me wonder if he really realizes what a big commitment this will be, if he is really ready for this, if this is really what he wants. But...if you're still trying to be a douchebag, and are not ready for such a commitment, why make it harder on yourself, right? I think his actions lately show that he is being much better, trying much harder. And yet I still am afraid that he just wants to be in a relationship with me because he thinks it's practical or something and I don't want that. I don't want to be with someone just because we've been together a very long time and it's comfortable, practical, logical, the right thing to do. I want my significant other to be madly fucking crazy about me, to think I'm the most fantastic girl, to just fucking love the shit out of me. I dunno. Blah. Poo. I guess only time will tell.

I am not interested in being lied to. I am not interested in being strung along. I am not interested in being a time filler or a sourse of consistent sex and I am not interested in having either of those things. I am not interested in wasting anymore time on bullshit. I am not interested in anything but what is real and raw and fucking true.

Sometimes I miss being like this:

Love,
Jess